Sparse though it may be, I hope you enjoy a chuckle or two.
You haven‘t seen the worst of it.
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Discovered among the antiquities of Usenet.
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© Nosnetrom
You haven‘t seen the worst of it.
These are from a Usenet post from 1994. Select your favorite (or least favorite) instrument from the list.
Canonical List Of Music Humor (Gig Giggles) Archive-Name: music Last-Modified: 94/11/07 Version: 2.09 Total-Joke-Count: 276 Send additions, corrections, comments to hjiwa@nor.chevron.com E-mail contributors get the next new issue e-mailed back to them with credits to their entry noted. If posting additions to this list, do not include the entire list again in your post. Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; Copyright (C) 1994 Joker's Wild; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the posting or parts of it in commercial publications; further redistributions of this document are only allowed unedited and in its entirety via anonymous FTP, electronic transmissions, storage media, or printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; jokes subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; hand wash only, drip dry; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; quantities are limited while supplies last; this Usenet offer is void where prohibited; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; jokes may have settled during mailing; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; do not place jokes near flammable or magnetic source; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; joke offer valid only at participating Usenet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are discovered, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; this disclaimer does not cover tornado, flood, hurricane, lightning, earthquake, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered signatures, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, ship sinking, airplane crash, accidental file deletions, projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. Send all flames to elvis@/dev/null :-) CONTENTS ACCORDION BAGPIPES BANJO BASS BASSOON CELLO CLARINET DRUMS ENGLISH HORN FLUTE FRENCH HORN GUITAR HARMONICA HARP HARPSICHORD OBOE ORGAN PIANO PICCOLO SAXOPHONE TROMBONE TRUMPET TUBA VIOLA VIOLIN VOCALS ORCHESTRAS MUSIC MUSICIANS PHONE SONGS =============================================================== == ACCORDION =================================================================== -= accordion =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------- An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats. -= accordion =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager. =============================================================== == BAGPIPES ==================================================================== -= bagpipes =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise. =============================================================== == BANJO ======================================================================= -= banjo =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way Earl (Scruggs) would have done it. -= banjo =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level? The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. -= banjo =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard. -= banjo =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors! -= banjo =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles. -= banjo =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range. or You can turn off a chainsaw. -= banjo =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird. -= banjo =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle? You can tune a Harley. -= banjo =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? An Uzi only repeats 40 times. -= banjo =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? Saves time. -= banjo =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------- Then again, there's always the blue-grass player's motto: If you pick it, it won't heal. And the bluegrass corollary: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friend on your saddle. -= banjo =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------- If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play, it's folk music. Otherwise, it's bluegrass. -= banjo =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth. -= banjo =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------- The banjo is such a happy instrument. You can't play a sad song on the banjo; it always comes out so cheerful. -= banjo =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names. -= banjo =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players? "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?" -= banjo =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------- A banjo rap song: "Them Banjo Pickers," by Mason Williams How 'bout them banjo pickers, ain't they fine? Same damn song for three or four times. Them banjo pickers, all they know Is Cumberland Gap and do-si-do Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings Banjo pegs and other such things Them banjo pickers, them poker-faced mugs They never do smile, they just play Scruggs You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket Just get yourself a banjo, rare back and pick it! -= banjo =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------- Ten Easy Steps To Better Banjo Playing The Doc Stock Banjo Method (Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?) by Jim Rosenstock Lesson 1: beat it! The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything! Remember - Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER! Lesson 2: Stage Presence A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better. Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: 1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. 2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1). 3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above. Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE - you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicians. Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing Just say, "Why not?" Lesson 6: Playing with musicians Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming. Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers? A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for the odor. Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first. Lesson 8: Name that tune As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee. Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo. Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work. Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo. Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop. Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go. Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere. Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune ----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H-------- --h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------ ---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H---- -----------h-----------h----------h---------------- ------------------------------------------------B-- h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it! This article is from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog, Julie Mangin, Editor. =============================================================== == BASS ======================================================================== -= bass =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. -= bass =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first. or Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. -= bass =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------- This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep." The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop." "Why?" "When drums stop...bass solo begins." -= bass =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? It took him four hours to get the bass player out. -= bass =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None, the piano player can do that with his left hand. =============================================================== == BASSOON ===================================================================== -= bassoon =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is another name for a bassoon? A farting bedpost. -= bassoon =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. =============================================================== == CELLO ======================================================================= -= cello =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse on the inside. -= cello =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the cellists. -= cello =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it. - Sir Thomas Beecham to a female cellist -= cello =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- A young woman is taking cello lessons. She's not all that good and during a particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can't stand it any more and says, "Lady, you've got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!" =============================================================== == CLARINET ==================================================================== -= clarinet =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------- Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zones. -= clarinet =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a nerd? Somone who owns their own alto clarinet. -= clarinet =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. -= clarinet =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. =============================================================== == DRUMS ======================================================================= -= drums =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? The knocking gets faster. -= drums =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? The knocking gets slower. -= drums =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? The bass player notices. -= drums =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. -= drums =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. -= drums =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend? Homeless. -= drums =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------- How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. or One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") or Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). or Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. or None. They have a machine that does that now. -= drums =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, buddy, how late does the band play? Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer. -= drums =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------- There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. -= drums =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------- If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. -= drums =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------- Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agent." -= drums =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------- Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask everyone what their I.Q. is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their I.Q. is. "200,000" replies the first guest. "Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?" The new guest responds with "250". "Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?" This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "5". "Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?" -= drums =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------- What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. =============================================================== == ENGLISH HORN ================================================================ -= english horn =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares. =============================================================== == FLUTE ======================================================================= -= flute =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing a unison =============================================================== == FRENCH HORN ================================================================= -= french horn =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------- Why did the French horn player never get second dates? Every time he went to kiss the girl on the first date, he stuck his hand up her ass. -= french horn =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------- There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went. "What's he like?" said the woman's friend the day after the big event. "Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know," said she. "Did he have class?" said the friend. The friend's ears perked up as the woman said, "Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again." "Oh? Why not?" asked the friend. "Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist up my rear!" =============================================================== == GUITAR ====================================================================== -= guitar =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------ How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him a sheet of music. How do you make him stop playing? Put notes on it! -= guitar =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------ What's the definition of a minor second? Two lead guitarists playing in unison. What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint. -= guitar =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------ How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better". -= guitar =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------ What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? Would you like fries with that? -= guitar =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------ What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? When you plug them in, they suck. -= guitar =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------ What did the guitar say to the guitarist? Pick on someone your own size! -= guitar =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money! -= guitar =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. =============================================================== == HARMONICA =================================================================== -= harmonica =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------- Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing. =============================================================== == HARP ======================================================================== -= harp =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------- A harp is a nude piano. -= harp =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------- A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune. -= harp =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings. -= harp =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------- One evening, after a symphony rehearsal, some of the players went out to Sam's Discotheque to unwind. After several relaxing drinks, everyone all went their separate ways home. The next night, the harpist showed up at the concert hall and realized that he didn't have his instrument. "Oh no," he cried, then sang, "I left my harp in Sam's damn disco..." =============================================================== == HARPSICHORD ================================================================= -= harpsichord =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------- The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof"...thus demonstrating (as he did so often) his consummate skill at substituting wit for understanding. =============================================================== == OBOE ======================================================================== -= oboe =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them. -= oboe =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------- What are burning oboes used for? To set bassoons on fire. -= oboe =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------- Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation? Because most oboes are full of holes. -= oboe =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------- How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat? Steal his batteries. =============================================================== == ORGAN ======================================================================= -= organ =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why did J. S. Bach have 20 children? His organ didn't have any stops. Bach's organ works; so does mine. -= organ =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number. That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet discussing brass quintet things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of all time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was Room 60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay very long at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door). At the very end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles, and other detritus. But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a shot. Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?" -= organ =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse? They are always longing for another stop. -= organ =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- What's better than a rose on your piano? Tulips on your organ What's worse than a dead dog on your piano? A diseased pussy on your organ. What's worse than a piano out of tune? An organ that goes flat in the middle of the night. =============================================================== == PIANO ======================================================================= -= piano =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. -= piano =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A flat major. -= piano =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over with a steam roller? Be flat, major. -= piano =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? See flat major. -= piano =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? C sharp or B flat.. -= piano =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A sharp major. -= piano =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A natural major. -= piano =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? Root position cords. -= piano =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------- A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet. -= piano =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------- Someone requested Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?" -= piano =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------- From a rec.music.classical posting: More recently, John Cage has written pieces for "prepared piano", which may involve attaching nuts, bolts, and other hardware to the strings, and other indignities. I heard a story (possibly apocryphal) that a horrified janitor once "cleaned up" one of his prepared pianos just before a concert. Cage came out, played one chord, screamed, and left the stage. Of course, this was indistinguishable from an actual Cage performance, so everyone clapped, and the reviewers wrote gushy praise about the groundbreaking new work. -= piano =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------- A Humid Recital Stirs Bangkok This review by Kenneth Langbell appeared in the English Language Bangkok Post. It was made available by Martin Bernheimer of the Los Angeles Times. (Reprinted from the Washington Post) The recital, last evening in the chamber music room of the Erawan Hotel by U.S. Pianist Myron Kropp, the first appearance of Mr. Kropp in Bangkok, can only be described by this reviewer and those who witnessed Mr. Kropp's performance as one of the most interesting experiences in a very long time. A hush fell over the room as Mr. Kropp appeared from the right of the stage, attired in black formal evening-wear with a small white poppy in his lapel. With sparse, sandy hair, a sallow complexion and a deceptively frail looking frame, the man who has repopularized Johann Sebastian Bach approached the Baldwin Concert Grand, bowed to the audience and placed himself upon the stool. It might be appropriate to insert at this juncture that many pianists, including Mr. Kropp, prefer a bench, maintaining that on a screw-type stool, they sometimes find themselves turning sideways during a particularly expressive strain. There was a slight delay, in fact, as Mr Kropp left the stage briefly, apparently in search of a bench, but returned when informed that there was none. As I have mentioned on several other occasions, the Baldwin Concert Grand, while basically a fine instrument, needs constant attention, particularly in a climate such as Bangkok. This is even more true when the instrument is as old as the one provided in the chamber music room of the Erawan Hotel. In this humidity, the felts which separate the white keys from the black tend to swell, causing an occasional key to stick, which apparently was the case last evening with the D in the second octave. During the "raging storm" section of the D-Minor Toccata and Fugue, Mr. Kropp must be complimented for putting up with the awkward D. However, by the time the "storm" was past and he had gotten into the Prelude and Fugue in D Major, in which the second octave D plays a major role, Mr. Kropp's patience was wearing thin. Some who attended the performance later questioned whether the awkward key justified some of the language which was heard coming from the stage during softer passages of the fugue. However, one member of the audience, who had sent his children out of the room by the midway point of the fugue, had a valid point when he commented over the music and extemporaneous remarks of Mr. Kropp that the workman who had greased the stool might have done better to use some of the grease on the second octave D. Indeed, Mr. Kropp's stool had more than enough grease and during one passage in which the music and lyrics were both particularly violent, Mr. Kropp was turned completely around. Whereas before his remarks had been aimed largely at the piano and were therefore somewhat muted, to his surprise and that of those in the chamber music room he found himself addressing himself directly to the audience. But such things do happen, and the person who began to laugh deserves to be severely reprimanded for this undignified behavior. Unfortunately, laughter is contagious, and by the time it had subsided and the audience had regained its composure Mr. Kropp appeared somewhat shaken. Nevertheless, he swiveled himself back into position facing the piano and, leaving the D Major Fugue unfinished, commenced on the Fantasia and Fugue in G Minor. Why the concert grand piano's G key in the third octave chose that particular time to begin sticking I hesitate to guess. However, it is certainly safe to say that Mr. Kropp himself did nothing to help matters when he began using his feet to kick the lower portion of the piano instead of operating the pedals as is generally done. Possibly it was this jarring or the un-Bach-like hammering to which the sticking keyboard was being subjected. Something caused the right front leg of the piano to buckle slightly inward, leaving the entire instrument listing at approximately a 35-degree angle from that which is normal. A gasp went up from the audience, for if the piano had actually fallen several of Mr. Kropp's toes if not both his feet, would surely have been broken. It was with a sigh of relief therefore, that the audience saw Mr. Kropp slowly rise from his stool and leave the stage. A few men in the back of the room began clapping and when Mr. Kropp reappeared a moment later it seemed he was responding to the ovation. Apparently, however, he had left to get a red- handled fire ax which was hung back stage in case of fire, for that was what was in his hand. My first reaction at seeing Mr. Kropp begin to chop at the left leg of the grand piano was that he was attempting to make it tilt at the same angle as the right leg and thereby correct the list. However, when the weakened legs finally collapsed altogether with a great crash and Mr. Kropp continued to chop, it became obvious to all that he had no intention of going on with the concert. The ushers, who had heard the snapping of piano wires and splintering of sounding board from the dining room, came rushing in and, with the help of the hotel manager, two Indian watchmen and a passing police corporal, finally succeeded in disarming Mr. Kropp and dragging him off the stage. -= piano =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------- An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party. She placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one. A bum knocked on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, "Go away." He said, "Please, won't you just give me a chance, I'm a piano player." She was desperate so she let him in. After his performance, she couldn't believe her ears. "Wow! That sounded great, best I've heard in years. What was the name of that song?" The bum answered, "Oh, it's 'I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump'." "Oh" she says, "How unusual, would you play another?" He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the performance. "That was fantastic" she said, "What was the name of that tune?" "That one is called 'I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over That Carpet'." "How unusual" she replied and said, "You've got the job, but please do me a favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don't tell them. And do something about your clothes; you look terrible. Go and buy a tux for the party." The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and wound up getting one that was three sizes too small. At the big party, the crowd was amazed at his performance once again. He bowed at the crowd back and forth and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers. One lady stepped forward clapping and said, "Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?" With a smile, the bum replied, "Lady, know it? I wrote it!" =============================================================== == PICCOLO ===================================================================== -= piccolo =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------- How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one. =============================================================== == SAXOPHONE =================================================================== -= saxophone =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? It's all in the grip. -= saxophone =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it. -= saxophone =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato. -= saxophone =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------- How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? 5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. -= saxophone =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------- If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating. -= saxophone =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------- How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax? Add vibrato. -= saxophone =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! -= saxophone =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------- How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it. -= saxophone =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------- Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to the worlds of Jazz and Classical music. Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins. -= saxophone =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------- Button sported by high school band director: A depiction of a saxophone and a cymbal, with the caption "Sax Cymbal." -= saxophone =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------- The Golden Club, Las Vegas The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is," was the reply from the other end. "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band, "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night." -= saxophone =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl? You could eat a saxophone if you had to. -= saxophone =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a saxophone and a husband? A saxophone makes a sound when you blow it. -= saxophone =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------- The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophone playing lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why, am I sharp??" =============================================================== == TROMBONE ==================================================================== -= trombone =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------- How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. -= trombone =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a gentleman? Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. -= trombone =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A trombone will bend before it breaks. -= trombone =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------- There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? The frog's probably on its way to a gig. -= trombone =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------- Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer. -= trombone =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------- Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works. -= trombone =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------- Slightly practical joke to play on a trombonist: Assuming she's using water on her slide, empty her water bottle down the mouthpiece. The result is really impressive if she doesn't notice the added weight when she picks it up off the stand. Don't do this if she's using a synthetic lubricant in her water (the stuff is expensive, and she'll be righteously angry). =============================================================== == TRUMPET ===================================================================== -= trumpet =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. -= trumpet =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? Their personality. -= trumpet =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it. -= trumpet =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------- A colleague of mine played in an "auditions only" orchestra in high school, and one of the pieces that they played was the William Tell Overture. This is well known as the music for the Lone Ranger, the bit with the brassy trumpet fanfare was used for that TV show back in th 60s. Well, the Overture actually does not begin with the trumpets. It begins with a *beautiful* cello solo, which lasts for exactly 13 measures of 4 counts each. The trumpets regularly missed their queue and came in either early or late, slaughtering the piece. One day in rehearsal, the director decided to have the trumpets count out loud, just to make sure they were actually counting. So the cello plays... <insert cello music here> And the trumpets count <One,2,3,4,Two,2,3,4. . .gt; And the cello continues to play... <more cello musicgt; While the trumpets count <Eight,2,3,4,Nine,2,3,4. . .gt; And the cello finishes <insert director waving arms madly at trumpets to come in *now*gt; While the idiot trumpets continue to count <Fourteen,2,3,4,Fifteen,2,3,4...gt; =============================================================== == TUBA ======================================================================== -= tuba =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------- What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm. -= tuba =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------- What's a tuba for? 1 1/2 X 3 1/2. =============================================================== == VIOLA ======================================================================= -= viola =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. -= viola =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between grapes and a viola? You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes. -= viola =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a dog and a viola? The dog knows when to stop scratching. -= viola =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?" -= viola =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it. -= viola =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------- At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about. The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?" In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!" -= viola =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------- How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice. -= viola =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation? You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it. -= viola =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet. -= viola =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One. -= viola =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is a chord? Three violists playing in unison. -= viola =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------- From "The Unafraid Dictionary": What do you call a person who plays the viola? A violator. -= viola =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of perfect pitch? When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides. -= viola =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a major seventh? A violist playing octaves. -= viola =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? Violists. -= viola =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------- Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers. -= viola =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why are violas so large? It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small. -= viola =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------- A violist retires. He cleans up his locker at the concert house before leaving and carries all his stuff home. He stumbles through the door and calls for his wife to come help him with all his luggage. The wife comes down and sees the viola case. She steps back in fear and asks, "What's THAT??" -= viola =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the violist stare at his locker door for two hours before the concert? On the door there was a note saying "viola - left hand bow - right hand". -= viola =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do conductors do to a violist who lost his/her arms? Move him/her back one stand. -= viola =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------- The conductor of the local opera company was having arm problems and could not make it for the first performance of the weekend. The pit musicians and percussionists were looking at one another wondering what they were going to do. The first violist got up and said, "I've done this show hundreds of times, so I think I can conduct it tonight." Nobody else volunteered, so he went to the podium, took up the baton, and the performance went on without a hitch. The next night, the conductor made it there and the first violist went back to the section. When he sat down, the second violist leaned over and said, "And where were *you* last night?!" -= viola =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? So the violists don't need to be retrained. -= viola =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------- When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first? It doesn't matter. -= viola =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------- When do most quartet violists leave first position? Never. or Whenever string-crossings produce unwanted timbre changes. or Only when the composer specifically indicates it (e.g., the finale of Beethoven's op. 59, no. 3) or When all but one string have broken. -= viola =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------------- Which positions does a violist use? First, third, and emergency. -= viola =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------------- How many violists does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, they can't reach that high. -= viola =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------------- A violist applied for a position in a symphony orchestra. The judges asked what he would play for his audition piece. "The Mendelssohn Violin Concerto," he said. A judge said, "We'd rather hear you play something on the viola. This is an audition for a viola position you know." "Oh, I play it on the viola." "Transposed down a fifth I suppose?" "No, I play it as written." The judges conferred, and decided that this was something they HAD to hear. If he could pull off the high notes, he must be pretty good. "Okay, begin." The violist put the instrument under his chin and began to play: (16th notes) GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE AECEAEAE GEBEGEGE -= viola =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------------- And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists: You too can be a viola player with the BBC Sympathy Orchestra Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins the other day we came across this. The pass mark is 10%, but be careful. Over 45%, and you are overqualified. The marks for each question are shown on the right. Entry Exam For The BBC Sympathy Orchestra - Viola Players 1. Who wrote the following: a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony b) Faure Requiem c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [15] 2. Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5] 3. Explain 'Counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10] 4. Which of the following would *you* tuck under you chin? a) a timpani b) an organ c) a cello d) a viola [1] 5. Can you explain 'Sonata Form'? Answer yes or no. [5] 6. Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera? a) First among Equals - Jeffrey Archer b) Macbeth - William Shakespeare c) Noddy and Big Ears - Enid Blyton [5] 7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5] 8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first. a) Quickly b) Slowly c) Very Quickly d) At a Moderate Pace. [4] 9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5] 10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream? a) Des O'Connor b) Mickey Mouse c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy d) Terry Wogan [5] 11. Which of the following is the odd one out? a) Sir Colin Davis b) Andrew Davis c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies d) Desmond Lynham [5] 12. Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera. Boheme, La [5] 13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5] 14. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come? a) Venezuela b) Sri Lanka c) Germany d) Japan [5] 15. For what town were Haydn's 'Paris' symphonies written? [5] 16. Which is the odd one out? a) Fantasy Overture 'Romeo and Juliet' - Tchaikovsky b) 'Romeo and Juliet' - Berlioz c) 'Romeo and Juliet' Ballet - Prokofiev d) 'Ten Green Bottles' - anon. [5] 17. From which song do the following lines come? 'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen.' [5] 18. Spell the following musical terms. allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo [5] 19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5] 20. Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known British broadcasting corporation. C, B, B. [5] =============================================================== == VIOLIN ====================================================================== -= violin =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------ How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving. -= violin =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------ How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. or Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. -= violin =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer. -= violin =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------ Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? It is usually still in the case. -= violin =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------ Which is smaller, a violin or a viola? They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger. -= violin =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------ How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case. -= violin =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers. -= violin =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------ Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both screw up bowings. -= violin =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------ This guy says to his wife, "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin." His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!" -= violin =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------ The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist 1 bad violinist 1 really bad violinist who became a violist 1 cellist who hates all violinists. -= violin =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------ Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire." -= violin =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------ "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!" -= violin =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------ Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. -= violin =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------ Blumita Singer of Brazil was invited, as one of 52 finalists, to perform at the International Violin Competition in Indianapolis in September 1990 as the result of an audition tape she submitted. However, when she started to perform, she played so poorly it became apparent that she could not have been the person on the audition tape, and some of the judges walked out while others began giggling. She did not offer an explanation. -= violin =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------ Why are violins smaller than violas? They're not. Violinists heads are larger. -= violin =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------ Into the fifth hour of a performance of "Der Meistersinger", one violinist was overheard whispering to his neighbour, "So what other comic opera did Wagner write?!!" -= violin =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------ Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!" -= violin =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------ A violin player has given a good recital and, afterwards, a lady comes up to him and says, "Maestro, that was beautiful, and how good. All those fast notes!" To which the violinist replies, "Ah, but dear lady, those were only sixteenth notes, sometimes I play thirty-seconds!" The lady is completely awestruck, "Oh, could you play one for me?" -= violin =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------ There once was a violinist from Rio who was seduced by a lady named Cleo. When she pulled down her panties, she said, "Please no andantes, I want this allegro con brio." =============================================================== == VOCALS ====================================================================== -= vocals =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. -= vocals =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? The dressmaker tucks up the frills. -= vocals =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------ If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea. -= vocals =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------ How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for HIM." -= vocals =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------ How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. -= vocals =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------ How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. or None. Get the drummer to do it. -= vocals =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------ What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? "I didn't wake up this morning..." -= vocals =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------ When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal. Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!" The other replied, "*I* don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?" -= vocals =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------ Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. -= vocals =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------ Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realise that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realise it. -= vocals =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------ There was a young fellow named Locke Who was born with a two-headed cock. When he'd fondle the thing, It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. -= vocals =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale. She was known as the deep C diva. -= vocals =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is your Opera Index? [/10.0] 0.0 = You can't even sing along with the air-raid siren. 0.5 = You think "pitch" is something you do to a baseball. 1.0 = You can tell the difference between rest notes and Kanji. 1.5 = You know that Albinoni isn't a sea mollusk. 2.0 = You can't wait for Romeo and Juliet to take their story to its tragic and well deserved conclusion. 2.5 = You actually bought a copy of K-tell's "Greatest Opera Hits" 3.0 = Your parents love opera, you'll watch it only if it's on TV. 3.5 = You've got tapes of complete operas hidden in your car. 4.0 = You include quotes from operas in your Usenet postings. 4.5 = You think Mario Lanza got a raw deal. 5.0 = You have season tickets to the MET's Mostly Mozart Festival 5.5 = You have a plaster bust of Verdi on your toy piano. 6.0 = You've memorized the fake french dialogue in Die Fledermaus. 6.5 = You cry every time Mimi hides her cough from Ruldolfo. 7.0 = You'd watch Andrea Chenier again. :P 7.5 = You actually like the Wagnarian style. 8.0 = You actually believe in Turandot's beauty through her aria, despite visual evidence to the contrary. 8.5 = You've got Wagner's Ring Cycle memorized...both versions. 9.0 = You've developed a better filing system than Kirshel's. 9.5 = Kiri Te Kanawa thinks you're cute. 9.6 = You think Dane Joan Sutherland is a sexy mama. 9.7 = Pavarotti, Carrera and Domingo compete for your autograph. 10.0 = Caruso does cameos at your seance's. -= vocals =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------ From an edition of the Brisbane Sunday Mail (with apologies to the original source not duly acknowledged) - World's Great Unsung Operas Roll-Your-Own Fags Girl In Stadium Stabbing (Carmen) Surprise Winner Of The Eurovision Song Contest (Die Meistersinger) Oriental Child Bride In Tug-Of-Love Suicide (Madame Butterfly) Trainee Shortage Threatens East Coast Fishing Industry (Peter Grimes) Former Callgirl Dies In Love Nest (La Traviata) Police Slayer In Prison Roof Death Plunge (Tosca) Cadet Officer In Country House Bedroom Sex Change Frolic (Marriage of Figaro) Good Neighbour Policy Fails To Save Paris TB Victim (La Boheme) Three Die In Mixed Marriage Handkerchief Muddle (Otello) Incest Offspring To Marry Aunt (Siegfried) -= vocals =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------ Operas That Never Made It Rossini: The Plumber of Seville. Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare. Mozart: The Magic Tuba. Puccini: La Bamba. Verdi: Rigatoni. - on a shirt in the Summer, 1994 Wireless Audio Collection catalog -= vocals =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------ A bass-baritone is rowing on a lake, cheerfully singing to himself, "Toreador, en garde!" God is looking down from heaven and, feeling a little bored, says to himself, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I took half of his brain away!" Well, He does this, but the fellow just keeps right on rowing and singing, "Toreador, en garde!" God sees this and remarks, "Fascinating, I wonder what would happen if I took away half of the brain he has left..." He does this, but the bass-baritone is still rowing and singing along, "Toreador, en garde!" God finally says to himself, "That's it, I just have to see what happens if I take his *entire* brain away..." God does this, and the fellow keeps rowing, but now he's singing, "La donna e mobile!" -= vocals =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------ A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "Three." "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is THAT?" asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine." -= vocals =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------ How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? When the other tenors notice. -= vocals =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the definition of an octave? An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor. -= vocals =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------ Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell? -= vocals =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------ What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? The baritone. -= vocals =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------ Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear. -= vocals =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------ Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target. -= vocals =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------ So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." -= vocals =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------------ He's the guy who sings the national anthem at cockfights. - a deprecatory comment on a singer quoted in "The Talk of the Town" feature of the July 18, 1994 issue of The New Yorker. =============================================================== == ORCHESTRAS ================================================================== -= orchestras =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! -= orchestras =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------- How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand. -= orchestras =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. -= orchestras =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------- Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants? They've had little use.